Too often we hear a story in the news about a child being harmed by someone they don’t know.  For all of us, our sense of safety is threatened.  The world as we know it comes undone and we fear for our children, and the children we know.  It is very hard to accept that there are abusers hovering along the edges of our children’s lives.

Stranger Danger programs have been taught for decades. But children still go willingly with strangers.  Getting through to our children is harder than it may seem.

For adults and children alike, we do not easily believe there are people who wish to harm children.  When something is unthinkable, we protect ourselves by denying that it’s true.  So, when a stranger seems nice, we want to believe the picture we’re seeing is true.

But the facts are there are people who do harm children and they range from passive exhibitionists to murderers.  Bribery, flattery, treats and requests for help are common tricks they use to engage children.  Most children are lured into a seemingly innocent situation that turns out to be otherwise.  Psychologically children don’t know what they don’t know; adults must make the rules simple and clear to them.

But because there is no way to anticipate who these dangerous people are or what they will do, the best defense is mindful, adult supervision.  Talk with your spouse and other involved, responsible adults about your comfort level for separation and independence.  Assume that, in any given situation, an abuser is hovering nearby watching for unsupervised children.

Rules For Safety

Children need to be educated, to learn rules that will reduce their risk when they explore the world.  Help your children to understand that there is no way to tell by the way someone looks, how they are on the inside.  Children should know that judging someone by their appearance is a mistake. The rules that you teach them apply equally to all strangers – whether well-dressed or not.

Rule #1: every child should know who is immediately responsible for their safety and that person is the one you always turn to.  For a younger child, it is your parent, caregiver or teacher.  For an older child, it is the child him or herself.  The older child should have a cell phone and be able to speed dial numbers to keep him or her safe.  If a stranger challenges the rules even once, the child should call.

Rule #2: children are not responsible to help adults; adults are responsible for other adults. If an adult needs assistance, they need to get it from another adult, not from a child.  An older child can say, “ I am not allowed to help you.  You need to ask an adult.”

Rule #3: children should never accept anything from a stranger unless a parent, teacher or caregiver is there to give permission.  If no adult is there, then gifts cannot be accepted.  An older child can say, “I am not allowed to accept this.  I can only accept gifts when my parent gives me permission.” 

Rule #4: children should never talk with a stranger unless a parent, teacher or caregiver is there to give permission.  An older child can say, “I am not allowed to talk to you.  I can only talk with a someone I don’t know when my parent gives me permission.” 

What To Say To Children Who Are Afraid:

It has become increasingly hard to protect children from news about violence.  They hear about violence done to children from multiple sources – TV, Internet and friends.  If your child is afraid, remind them of the rules about strangers. Then:

Listen first to their fears.  Don't force your child to talk.  Try asking open-ended questions.  See what their reactions are and how they’re responding.

You know your children best. Tailor the type and amount of information you share based on their age and maturity. For smaller children, they may want concrete reassurance.  They are in the here and now.  For teenagers, knowledge is power. They may want specific details so they can feel more in control.

Remind children of all ages that violence is rare but it does happen.  Remind your children of all the people in their lives who are there to keep them safe (parents, teachers, caregivers, grandparents), of the rules to follow to be safe.  Rehearse the use of cell phones over and over with older children so they are comfortable speed dialing for safety.

Watch for signs of stress: 

Children react to fear, stress or trauma in different ways. Over the next few weeks after a violent incident, you may notice disrupted sleep patterns, frequent nightmares or insomnia; changes in eating habits, loss of appetite or overeating; decline in school performance; lack of concentration; irritability or prolonged depression. Younger children may display separation anxiety, not wanting to be left alone in a room, or getting upset when parents leave the house. They may cling to parents more than usual.

Get Help:

Remember, these symptoms are common reactions to anxiety. However, if symptoms persist for longer than six weeks and disrupt your child’s daily routine, seek help from a social worker, pediatrician or psychologist. A professional cannot only help your child deal with his emotions, but can provide valuable tips and guidance to parents.

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